Dissolution
by krishp
Summary: Obi-Wan writes in his journal as he ponders his relationship with Qui-Gon. Slash.


Title: Dissolution 1/1 

Author: Kbeale 

Archive: yes 

Category: Angst, AU, drama 

Rating: R 

Pairing: Q/O, Q/other 

Warnings: Angsty sad stuff ahead, beware! Appearance of Bastard!Qui-Gon. Not happy-fic. 

Spoilers: none 

Feedback appreciated 

Disclaimers: I don't own them, for which they are probably grateful. No offense meant, blah blah blah. I'm not making any money off this, please don't sue. 

Notes: Set about 8 years post-TPM. But Naboo never happened, no one here has heard of Anakin or any Chosen One. ;) Qui and Obi had a bonding ceremony approximately 10 years ago. Also, I wrote this while listening to "End of the World" by Skeeter Davis on repeat, for about an hour and a half or so. 

I started writing this journal not long after I was taken as Qui-Gon's padawan. It was his idea, so that I would have a record of my training. At first, that's all it was, just dates and times and accomplishments. But then I started writing my thoughts, my feelings, everything. It's become a confessor of sorts - I might not write every day, but I write enough. Whenever I have to. Whenever I want to. Whenever there's something I'm trying to work through, trying to figure out, and meditating isn't helping. 

Like now. 

Because my world is falling apart. 

Because... 

He's...he's going to leave me. Qui-Gon is going to leave me. I know he is. 

Oh, this isn't another of my petulant fits either, a petty fight between us that has gone on a little too long. No, this is different. 

He's cheating on me. 

I know he is. It's not just one thing that's made it obvious to me, it's little things. You don't spend nearly 20 years with the same person and not know them intimately, not know them possibly better than they know themselves. I've seen the looks, the way he no longer smiles when he says my name, the lack of a sex life we've had recently. I can't remember the last time we had a real conversation, we speak about missions and nothing more. I've noticed also how he's begun to tightly shield against me in the middle of the night, when he thinks I've gone to sleep. As though I could sleep when he was away from me, out of our bed. 

The first time it happened...I thought that he must be having a bit of insomnia and not want to wake me. Understandable. Four times a week, though, and I was suspicious. Especially when he always seemed as refreshed as normal in the mornings. Before this, he had seemed a bit more distant than usual, but I thought he was in just another of his infamous moods. What a fool I was. After two weeks of his disappearance act and I knew something was wrong, but I still naively thought there could be an innocent explanation for everything. 

Oh how I wish there had been. 

But he slipped. His shields slipped, and through our bond - our *lifebond*!!! - I felt his pleasure as he thrust, as he orgasmed into another man. I was shocked, stunned, sickened. I couldn't believe it. I pushed out a bit, tentatively, and suddenly I was there. It was for only a split second, but there I was. Watching as my love...as the other half of my *soul*...fucked Mace Windu. Fucked...a crude word, but nothing about what he was doing with Windu had anything to do with love. It was lust, pure and simple. I returned to my own mind, strengthened my shields, and cried myself to sleep. 

When I next saw him, he acted as though nothing had changed. I suppose he wasn't aware of his 'lapse' the previous evening. I was prepared to confront him, to find out *why* - was I not good enough for him anymore, was he sick of me, had he gone *insane* - but there was an urgent message for me. I was being sent on a solo mission, one to a rather primitive planet, where communications would be infrequent and brief, and I was to leave immediately. What a surprise, considering Windu was senior council. I should have been incensed to know that a council member would stoop so low, sending me off on a long mission so he could have my lover to himself. But nothing could shock me any more, not after that glimpse last night. Even now, months later, I shudder to think about it. 

So I went. Went to this Force-forsaken world, where negotiations are heading into their 6th month. And I know that every night my lover lies with another, while occasionally sending me a short note inquiring as to my welfare and filling me in on various Temple gossip. I noticed that he's been mentioning Mace more and more - does he truly think me a fool? This primitive planet also conveniently has a taboo against same-sex relationships, so Qui-Gon doesn't even have to make any excuses as to why he can't come visit me. Every night I foolishly hope that he'll send me a message, contact me through our bond, anything. Anything to let me know that he's regained his senses. That he isn't throwing away *us* for *him*. 

The treaties will be signed tomorrow. Finally, I will be able to return home...but now I'm not sure what kind of home it is. Qui-Gon wants to talk to me. I received a message when I returned from the final talks tonight. He's meeting me at the port tomorrow, and I know it won't be good news. At least for me. 

*Three Days Later* 

He's done it. He's actually done it. I can't believe I'm such a tottering mess. But he's done it. 

He petitioned the Council to have our bond dissolved. 

Our bond. *Our* bond!!! He has been a presence in my mind for 20 years - and now he wants to have it dissolved, to no longer be a part of my life. I was expecting it but I wasn't ready for it. When he first told me - he said we had 'grown apart', no mention of his other lover - I screamed and I cursed and I railed against him. I informed him I knew all about his affair with Windu - Qui was shocked that I knew. Shocked. He truly did think me a fool! After arguing - endless, endless arguments - he left our quarters. Ran to the arms of his...I was going to say 'other' love, but I guess that's not right anymore is it? He was running to the arms of his love. I'm no longer his love, his beloved, his anything. I'm numb. 

*Six Months Later* 

It's been so long since I wrote anything in this journal...I suppose I should have, considering my life these past few months. I objected to the dissolution - some ridiculous part of me thought I wanted him back. That I wanted back the man who had lied to me and slept with another when he was supposed to be *my* bondmate. But I didn't want him back. I wanted the man who had been my Master, the strong noble man I had fallen in love with. The man I had 'saved' myself for. What a joke. 

Now I wonder if that man ever existed. Was I blinded by devotion to my master? I never thought so, not until this happened. I'm finding it increasingly hard to function without him. It's ridiculous. I feel so...groundless. I've never had many particularly close friends, at least none that I've kept up with since my knighting. Just a few acquaintances. But now that I'm alone, I've realized how pathetic this is - my entire life was wrapped up in him. My every waking moment. Now when I wake up, I sometimes feel shocked that everything seems so...normal. Even though my heart has been torn and shredded. I feel...I feel used. Like I was something for him to shape and mold and make into the person he wanted me to be, but when I started to change - I suppose I must have changed, otherwise why would he leave - he threw me away. He got tired of me. I thought our bond was forever. And it didn't even last a decade. 

I don't know how to live without him. Me, a Jedi Knight. I've trained my entire life, had success on solo missions, many successes in fact. But I always had the rock of Qui-Gon Jinn to lean on. Since he left, I've been...less than effective. I've tried, oh I have tried so hard. I've spoken with healers - well, soul healers. It was part of the 'dissolution process.' I spoke with Yoda, the only other Jedi I've ever felt entirely comfortable with. No one helps. They all think I should have gotten over it by now. "It's just a failed romance, Obi-Wan! Suck it up!" That's not what they say, but that's what they think. I can see it in their eyes. The few acquaintances I did have no longer have any contact with me. I suppose I was too morose for them. So here I sit, in my new quarters on the far side of the Temple, while Qui-Gon is having a bonding ceremony with Mace Windu. While he's celebrating, surrounded by half the Temple, everyone wishing the two of them good luck. Like they did with us 10 years ago. I suppose I was wrong about them only being in lust. Or maybe not. Maybe in 10 years he'll dissolve this bonding as well. 

I thought love was supposed to be forever. 

I thought *our* love was supposed to be forever. 

What do I do now?


End file.
